Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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