I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
