The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
