Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
