I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
