I think I won the penis lottery.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
