Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
