So drunk its hurt
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
