Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
