he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
