The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
