The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sober January is a disaster.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
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Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.