It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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