Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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