I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
