What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
