just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
