I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
