I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
