I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
