If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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