Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
