it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't put those talents on a resume
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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