I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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