Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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