On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
