Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
