Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
