I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
