she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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