Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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