Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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