Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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