I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
