Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
