So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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