and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
