my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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