I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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