hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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