Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
