im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
