Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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