Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
