Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
