Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
