If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
