I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
