so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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