I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
