there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
