Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
