I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
