Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
