I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
