Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Are my feet made of real feet?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
