Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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