Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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